We live our life in chapters. The kindergarten chapter, the first love chapter, the graduation and so on. This story is about “not my big start” chapter, where I lost my battle against Fales (Founder of an adorable shoes brand called Pijak Bumi), one of my closest friends.. turned out to be the one who kick my ass out of the competition.

Biasanya setelah proses eliminasi selesai, juri bakalan kasih feedback ke kontestan. Stephanie Yoe, one of the judges from Blibli.com said, "kalian tau one fundamental aspect yang bikin Uma kalah?". Kemudian ia melanjutkan, "it's a fashion video, tidak boleh ada text dan voiceover!". I was surprised! How come I did not know? How come I did not remember it from the brief? Konyol ya, kalah karena ketidaktahuan.

For a moment I thought, okay I gotta move on and let go. But I couldn't. I couldn't act as if nothing had happened. Buat penonton, The Big Start mungkin hanya sekedar tayangan YouTube atau semacam hype yang sebentar lagi orang juga bakal lupa. To me, the season is one hell of a ride. Something to remember a lifetime, an unforgettable experience.

Have you ever gotten deep into something, then you start to expect much.. but you only get one piece of the whole cake?

That was what I felt. Meskipun senang bisa pulang ketemu anak, it would be a lie to say that I am not disappointed. People said, masuk final saja sudah bagus jadi seharusnya saya sudah happy. Well, I am happy and it's not like I'm going to cry all night. But 'being happy' is not the same as overcoming disappointment. Bahagia bukan alasan buat melupakan kegagalan. They are different.

I say to myself, it's okay to fail.

But I do not want to fail for nothing. I want to fail well.

Hari berikutnya, saya kembali ke rutinitas semula. That morning, I had breakfast in my favourite coffeeshop with my husband. The food was good, the scramble egg was made just the right.. soft and warm. The cappuccino was great, everything was better than expected.

The following morning I had no one serving me breakfast at home. When I was making my cappuccino I thought, "that would be nice to have breakfast at the coffeeshop like yesterday". Tiba-tiba kebayang rasa scramble egg yang kemaren enak banget. Kopi rumahan saya juga tiba-tiba tidak senikmat biasanya. That was the moment when a  spark of thought came in to my mind : I am disappointed because I expected too much. It has nothing to do with  me failing.

"Life should be about taking a polite portion of all that is offered", said ancient Greek philosopher Epictetus.

Versi Indonesianya, sudah dikasih hati jangan minta jantung. And if my breakfast should be taken just with the right portion, then so does The Big Start. All I needed to do is not to be greedy, accept losing and failing, bounce as soon as possible because in reality I have a war to win ahead.

When I made sense of it, my failure sounds less disappointing. I have accepted what I can’t change, and it felt good not to bring shadow over my present. Saya tidak ambil hati alasan-alasan saya bisa kalah, toh tidak ada gunanya. Yang penting, I did my best and I have leant my lesson.

Teman-teman saya berempati dengan bilang bahwa I could have gone further than this, and that my team's video was better. But no, I think Fales deserves to win the battle. And if I ever felt otherwise, that means I have problems with my own expectations. Because eventually, people get what they deserve in life.

A well-lived experienced is truly what I seek from the Big Start, a strength to move on to my next chapter. Dan yang saya maksud move on bukan hanya sekedar melupakan dan be happy of what we got. Nggak mudah sih, tapi seringkali manusia belajar lebih banyak dari kegagalan dibanding dari keberhasilan.

Ini adalah tentang belajar kecewa, belajar untuk tidak berharap terlalu banyak, dan belajar menerima kegagalan sebagai amunisi untuk perang yang sesungguhnya.

The valuable insights I got to learn from The Big Start have changed the course of my business vision to the better. Another great thing coming out of this adalah friendship. Dari sini, saya menemukan harta karun teman seperjuangan, harta karun yang sangat susah ditemukan di jaman seperti sekarang ini. For them I feel completely grateful, not a single hard feeling overshadows my present.

To the show, The Big Start is not mine. But to me.. this is definitely a big start :)

Written by Uma Hapsari

Founder of Amazara & The Big Start Indonesia top 20 finalist

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